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Mogwarts-School of the Dark Arts and Bastardology

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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2004|08:37 pm]
Mogwarts-School of the Dark Arts and Bastardology

chiba_usako
Dearest Mogwarts Students;

It has come to my attention ; http://www.livejournal.com/community/do_me_profsnape/ if i find the perpetrators of this henious crime against bastardology they will certainly become well,,, crucio-d at once. Also I have come accross a list entitled "Ways to Annoy Snape" i am certain that potter runt is the author. Enclosed is a list of things that are absolutely forbidden this semester.

Charm his hair into dreadlocks.
Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run
Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him
Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.
Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape'
Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'
If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts
draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep
Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class
Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge.
Smile at him. All the time.
Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'
Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day
Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!'
Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off'
When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.
Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around
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The New Bastards 'R' Us [Jun. 4th, 2004|09:36 pm]
Mogwarts-School of the Dark Arts and Bastardology

chiba_usako
[I'm feeling rather... |extra bastardly]

Dear Mogwarts Students;

I your dear headmaster Severus Snape have enclosed the new Bastards 'R' Us catalog in your latest Mogwarts mailing which should be arriving by owl post soon. Please excuse the grease marks as my hair was dripping onto the pages. Also no snivvling if the rat accidently ate your mailing and you expelled. Thats just the way it is. Sorry but im just trying to be my most bastardly. In this update i have included a list and descriptions of several required items for this term only avaialable in the new catalog. Please be quick about getting them or you will ind yourself subject to torture and hair washing and the money will be debited from your account. If the money is not available you will become my personal slave for life.

Hate,
Severus Snape
Headmaster of Mogwarts School
His Bastardlyness and
Author of "B is for Bastard"


(excerpt from the Bastards 'R' Us catalog)


Wigditch Supplies
Flame Thrower-Ideal for stopping your enemies right in thier tracks. Has the firepower of 15 Norwedgian Ridgeback Dragons! Never misses.
Confoundus Broom Charm- Garunteed to confuse your opponents enough to knock them out of the running.
Snitch Dispenser-Invisible component attached to your broomstick filled with international snitches. Garunteed to ein each game.

Books
"101 Ways to be a bastard"- A comprehensive guide to being the best bastard you can be

please see your rat post for the complete list of books required this term.

Other
Post Rat- Perfect for the bastardliest of letters. Colors and Sizes may vary.
Thieving Light- Gives light only to the holder!
Exploding Cauldrons-Scare all your friends by having your cauldron explode right in thier face!


This is only a small sample of the things available in the new Bastards 'R' Us catalog. For the full catalog (which is required) please send 2 galleons by post rat to Bastards Shop Inc.

Small Print. Customer Service: hahha sure! Send your complaint rat and it dies. All products made by Bastards 'R' Us so there is absolutely no garantees. All specials good only when we want them to be. If we think your name ifs funny no specials for you
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(no subject) [Jun. 4th, 2004|01:02 pm]
Mogwarts-School of the Dark Arts and Bastardology

captiveaudience
Any thoughts on Headmasters appearance in the recent Potter film? I believe his preformance had that bastardly quality that he strives for, however I shocked to see that he was missing from much of the story.
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Welcome Unwelcome! [Jun. 3rd, 2004|10:36 pm]
Mogwarts-School of the Dark Arts and Bastardology

captiveaudience
[I'm feeling rather... |bastardly]

::Incoming Owl Mail::
Bastard Headmaster Snape Sends Message From Mogwarts School for Wizards

Prospective Bastardly Wizarding Students,
I the most bastardly headmasterdly Severus Snape would like offer you admittance into Mogwarts School Of The Dark Arts and Bastardology. This fine establishment offers young wizards and muggles the opportunity to model themselves after yours truely. As headmaster I strive to create a perfect example of how one might grow in their bastardlyishness. As author of ‘My bastard and Me’ I do believe that I am in fact the most bastardly wizard to have ever existed. My achievements not only include having the greasiest hair of a wizard today, but I have also complied a rather grotesque collection of disgusting objects which I love to put on display. If you are interested in my Bastard Catalog from a few years ago, you can’t have it! As I am usually swamped with owl-post applications for this term I would ask that you send me Rat Mail. If accepted you will be alerted as late as I can possibly let you know. Bad Luck!
Headmaster Severus Snape
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